“It’s important to note that these are just rumors posted in the comments on a YouTube video. Nobody has proof that Mitt Romney was caught masturbating on a Connecticut hotel balcony. Of course, nobody has any proof that Mitt Romney didn’t get caught masturbating on a Connecticut hotel balcony, either.”—Paul Constant @ The Stranger
But that’s not the main reason why you blew it. You blew it because you couldn’t—not for a single minute—manage to hide your bigotry from the world. The spotlight fell on you and you had to let your hatred out. You said horrible things about gays, women, unreligious people, tolerance, sex out of wedlock, and science. You just couldn’t help yourself. Your obsession with the genital areas of total strangers isn’t just unhealthy—it’s downright sociopathic.
(1) While always attentive to the particular qualities of individuals, on the many occasions where you have nothing to guide you but knowledge of mean differences, use statistical common sense:
(1a) Avoid concentrations of conservatives not all known to you personally.
(1b) Stay out of heavily conservative neighborhoods.
(1c) If planning a trip to a beach or amusement park at some date, find out whether it is likely to be swamped with conservatives on that date (neglect of that one got me the closest I have ever gotten to death by self-inflicted gunshot).
(1d) Do not attend events likely to draw a lot of conservatives.
(1e) If you are at some public event at which the number of conservatives suddenly swells, leave as quickly as possible.
(1f) Do not settle in a district or municipality run by conservative politicians.
(1g) Before voting for a conservative politician, scrutinize his/her character much more carefully than you would a normal one.
(1h) Do not act the Good Samaritan to conservatives in apparent distress, e.g., on the highway.
(1i) If accosted by a strange conservative in the street, smile and say something polite but keep moving.
(2) The mean intelligence of conservatives is much lower than for everyone else.
(3) There is a magnifying effect here, too, caused by privilege. White American conservatives tend not to understand that they are the wealthiest, most comfortable people in all of history. They like to pretend that they are always under attack—that their religion is something rare and endangered, even though 60 to 76% of all Americans describe themselves as Christian; that all their luxury goods are constantly in peril, even though crime rates continue to decline; that what other people do in their bedrooms is somehow their business. In fact, if you encounter a conservative in the wild, there is a nine-in-ten chance they will be whining. Simply back away from them; reason will not work.
(4) There are nonetheless several intelligent and well-socialized conservatives. (I’ll use IWSC as an ad hoc abbreviation.) You should consciously seek opportunities to make friends with IWSCs. In addition to the ordinary pleasures of friendship, you will gain an amulet against potentially hilarious accusations of prejudice against conservative thought.
(5) Unfortunately the demand is greater than the supply, so IWSCs are something of a luxury good, like antique furniture or corporate jets. Those many less fortunate conservatives like to hold their few intelligent brethren up as an example of how they are not all bigoted swine. (Sometimes, the most openly racist conservatives will be pilloried in public by other conservatives. This is a ruse to trick people into thinking that racism is not a core value of modern white conservatism. Don’t believe it.)
(6) The internet still likes to pretend that it’s shocked when a rich white man who self-identifies as a conservative turns out to be a racist pig. This is understandable—stupid people are generally the loudest, so they tend to gather attention to themselves—but it is regrettable. It would be best to leave these few nattering jackasses to their own tiny corners of the internet and ignore their bigoted comments on blog posts. They are the past, and slowly, inexorably, they are going extinct.
10 rules for tourists on how to use CTA Red Line to Cubs game
Don’t block the platform. I often see tourists or CTA newbies clogging up the bottom or top of the stairs on the platform. Move!
Move down the platform. A corollary to Rule No. 1. Moving down the platform to either end will increase your chances of actually being able to board a train crowded with Cubs fans.
Move into the center of the car. Don’t be that guy who parks his huge frame in the doorway when there’s room to move down the aisle. And yes, the motorman will wait for all passengers to exit at Addison.
Hang on to something. A pole. A seat back. Your partner, who is hanging on to a pole. The train *does* tend to lurch around, and sway, and negotiate tight bends. So you will fall, especially if you’re drunk.
Don’t drink on the train. Yes, we know you will be “pre-gaming” on Division Street or wherever, but don’t bring it on the train. Not only is it illegal, it’s also obnoxious. Especially when you don’t offer me any.
Don’t be an a**hole and drunkenly mess with other riders who are just trying to get to or from home or work. In fact, we all know you don’t have to mess with them to really be an a**hole. So, just don’t be one.
Don’t start a fight with riders wearing your opponent’s jersey. Then you would be a special kind of a**hole.
Be careful of your surroundings. Don’t show your bling, which includes fancy iPhones, iPads, purses or jewelry. They could be gone quicker than you would even notice.
Don’t be an obnoxious celler. Sure, we know you’re gonna call your buddy who’s already at Bernie’s, but does the whole train car have to know you saw a hot chick at North/Clybourn?
Know where you’re going. Don’t go the wrong way going home. Or get off at the wrong stop. Or totally miss your stop. Pretend you’re not a tourist and at least know where you are going.