Witness the events of last night, when Shane was in his room having sex with his girlfriend. This encounter, according to a sheriff’s report, resulted in an argument between the Crawfords because Christian believed his older brother and the woman were “making an excessive amount of noise.”
Who among us can throw the first stone (or ashtray, in this case).
WM.™ STEVEN HUMP-ME'S ACADEMY AWARD™ OVERDOSE GAME™!
And here’s how you play:
If hosts James Franco and Anne Hathaway do a musical number right off the top, invite the host’s wife to the bathroom for two bumps of coke. Bone her on the counter. Then take two more bumps of coke.
Whenever anyone mentions the film The Social Network, scream, “NERD PILE!” and throw your body on top of the nerdiest person in the room. Laugh uproariously, drink an entire bottle of vodka, stop laughing, and start loudly sobbing in the corner.
Whenever anyone at the Oscar party claims that baby movies such as Toy Story 3 deserve anything other than adult scorn, hit them in the face with a soaking gravy-filled diaper and yell, “HERE’S YOUR DIAPER, DIAPER BABY!” Then insert two syringes of heroin.
No matter what movie wins for best picture, suddenly leap to your feet and screech at your host, “BOOYAH! I told you Black Swan would win best picture! You owe me $5,000!” If he refuses to immediately pay, kidnap his children until he does pay. Drink three Heinekens.
(If necessary, substitute boning the host’s wife for the host’s husband, substitute heroin for PCP-laced roofies, and substitute Anne Hathaway for Billy Crystal. I like him. He’s fancy.)
“Two quick takeaways from these polling numbers: 1) Despite Republican claims to the contrary, there is no overwhelming support for repealing health care reform; and 2) many Americans are stupid… which is, of course, what Republicans are counting on when they make those claims referenced in point number one.”—David “Goldy” Goldstein is an accidental activist who stumbled into politics in 2003 with a satirical statewide initiative to officially proclaim WA’s serial anti-tax initiative sponsor, Tim Eyman, “a horse’s ass.” A year later, Goldstein transformed his campaign website into local political blog HorsesAss.org, a mix of snark, satire, muckraking, and analysis. He lives in Seattle with his daughter, dog, cat, and everybody else who lives in Seattle. In addition to blogging, he is the creator of the world’s most widely pirated rhyming dictionary software and the co-author of an Off-Broadway musical flop.
“After more than five decades of tireless work, brave exploration, and technological innovation aimed at a single objective, the National Aeronautics and Space Administration announced Wednesday that it had finally completed its mission to find and kill God.”—
Did God create the dinosaurs, or cavemen for that matter, I’m sure He did. Was He experimenting back then — who knows? He’s God after all, and can do as He pleases.
Dinosaurs once roamed the earth, but became extinct. There became a void with that, then that’s where the Bible begins. I believe that’s where the dinosaurs ceased to exist, and out of the darkness God created man and everything we now know.
Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker’s (R) immediate and lengthy private conversation with Ian Murphy of Buffalo Beast pretending to be a Koch brother is a great reminder of the incredibly easy two-step process for how to get a powerful politician to listen to your thoughts and concerns.
Step 1: Donate millions of dollars directly and indirectly help politicians get elected.
"You have to love how Santorum is out there mewling about being the victim here and about civility—this from the man who compared people in stable, loving same-sex relationships to dog fuckers and kiddie rapists, this from a man who would make gay and straight sodomy illegal, ban gay marriage and any other protections for same-sex couples, and prevent loving same-sex couples from adopting children who need homes. This from a man who would literally destroy my family if it were within in his power to do so.
"And the ‘Savage Love’ gang? All we did was make a dirty joke at his expense. There has been no effort to strip Rick Santorum of his civil rights, no moves to nullify his marriage, no one has suggested that his children be taken out of his home, no one is trying to prevent him from having more children. No one has compared Rick Santorum to a dog fucker or a pedophile. Compared to Rick Santorum, my readers and I have been models of decorum and restraint.
"And don’t think you’re fooling us, Rick. Now that you’re running for president—eight years after we redefined ‘santorum’ — you’re whining to attract a little attention to your campaign and because your advisors think that maybe you’ll get a little traction playing the pansy-assed victim card, à la Sarah Palin, and rake in a few bucks. Oh, look at all that mean gay dude—one of the guys I want to oppress—he’s picking on meeeeeeeeeee!"- Dan Savage.
Remember This Post in 25 Years, When We're All Speaking South Korean
South Korea, whose citizens already enjoy the fastest average broadband speeds in the world, is about to get much, muchfaster:
By the end of 2012, South Korea intends to connect every home in the country to the Internet at one gigabit per second. That would be a tenfold increase from the already blazing national standard and more than 200 times as fast as the average household setup in the United States.
And the cost to consumers of this blazing fast Internet? A pilot project is currently charging less than $27 a month.
But don’t worry, I have faith that Comcast, Verizon, Qwest, et al will soon offer even faster service at an even lower cost, because American-style capitalism is always the most efficient and productive way of doing everything. (It’s in the Bible, or something.)